


falling down

by saltyvenus



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: F/F, dark but happy at the end I guess lmao, her and mallory are the only ones who remember the apocalypse, set after the time reverse but they bring madison back right after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyvenus/pseuds/saltyvenus
Summary: i see your face, it's haunting me.





	falling down

madison sits in the tub, the hot water splashing out of the sides as she leans further back. hell was cold, not as fiery or as boiling as it was the first time. she remembers it clearly, even when mallory went back in time and reversed everything. 

madison suspects the tampering with the time must’ve erased all her feelings, cause she’s deprived of all her senses. she’s numb, she can’t feel anything, and it’s the exact same feeling swimming deep in her stomach from when she got brought back the first time. it’s sick, so fucking sick. her skin is a pale grey color that she just can’t seem to rub off, no matter how hard she scrubs, no matter how many hours she spends soaking in the bathtub. mallory bringing her back made it worst, she feels automatic, acting on impulse, and madison doesn’t feel like she can function properly, or at all for that matter. she’s falling, her heart’s in pain. she feels sick.

“madison?” zoe knocks on the door. madison doesn’t reply. she continues to sit in the tub as the water eats at her flesh, staring straight ahead at nothing. she reckons if she says quiet the other girl would just leave her alone. zoe doesn’t, though, because she’s nice like that. she’s too kind. madison’s glad only her and mallory remember the events of the apocalypse, cause she wouldn’t be able to stand the look on zoe’s face when she realizes she’s been brutally murdered in another timeline. madison swallows hardly as the brunette enters the bathroom.

“you’ve been in here for a while.” she says. madison looks down at the water and half heartedly shrugs her skinny shoulders. zoe sighs, walking closer to the other girl. she bends down right next to the tub, picking up the loofah floating aimlessly in the water. she scrubs madison’s back, since she’s too dispirited to do it herself, and zoe holds no shame to madison’s nudity, because she’s seen her naked plenty of times before.

“you left me to die.” madison blurts out into the silence. she swallows hardly, waiting for the other girl’s answer. she feels zoe’s presence pull away slightly, and madison regrets ever opening her mouth.

“so did you.” zoe whispers. madison feels so,  _ so _ fucking bad, until she realizes she’s talking about the  _ first  _ time she died, on the front gate. not the post apocalyptic one, in which yes, madison felt truly and utterly guilty, but she forgets the other girl doesn’t remember.

still, madison bites her lip to stop herself from crying, which, by the way, doesn’t really help. tears are already in her eyes, she only just stops them from falling. madison shakes her head.

“that’s different!” she yells, splashing the water in the process, out of rage. when madison calms down, she tries to keep her voice from breaking, but it’s already sounding a little weary. “you  _ knew _ i was dead, trying to cover up your little lap dog’s traces, and you didn’t give a shit about me, none of you did.”

zoe doesn’t reply at that, which breaks madison’s heart. she continues to scrub at the blonde’s back, the small dripping of water from the broken faucet being the only thing breaking the silence.

“i couldn’t find your body.” zoe says eventually. “i used divination in the bathtub, filled the water to the brim. the only thing left of yours were those sunglasses you always kept, so i used that to help me, but…..i-i couldn’t find you.” zoe keeps her voice low, because she’s great at steadying herself. “so don’t ever say i never gave a shit about you.” she finishes in a stern tone, one that makes madison shiver in the water.

she’s petrified, scared of this aged academy and it’s occupants inside, scared of her doomed destiny she’s always bound to live through. madison opens up her mouth again, a soft, low spoken whisper that is so unlike her even  _ she’s _ freaked out.

“you and i both know i’d be better off dead.” she says with such uncertainty that zoe can feel it. “i can’t keep coming back like this. it-it hurts too much. it pains my body to live.” she swallows. madison looks down at her trembling hands, submerged in the water. “i’m numb.”

zoe’s unsure about how to respond to this depressing, half-suicide confession. usually, she handles shit like this pretty well, but in this moment, she was at a loss for words.

madison gulps. “what if the only way to not feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all. forever.”

“maybe.”

zoe ditches the loofah and places her bare hand on madison’s back, slowly rubbing the soft skin. madison leans into the touch, making eye contact with the brunette. “i’ve changed. you know that, right?” madison asks desperately, wanting something. wanting...closure. “i-i was such a shitty person, i was selfish. but you know i’d never let anything bad happen to you again... _ please _ tell me you believe me.”

she says that, but she can’t get the image out of her head. every time she looks at zoe, she can’t help but picture her lifeless body on the floor, gunshot wound right through her head as warm, thick blood pools around her. madison swallows the lump in her throat as zoe tucks a strand of wet, blonde hair behind her ear.

“i know. i believe you.” her soft touches to madison’s skin are the only thing keeping her from slipping away.

and they continue like this, until madison convinces zoe that the tub’s big enough for both of them.

 

* * *

the nights are the worst, when everyone’s sleeping soundly without a care in the world, and madison’s laying awake in her old bed because she just can’t find a reason to close her eyes.

the moonlight peaks through her blinds. the nights are cold, and madison finds herself sneaking into zoe’s bed without a thought. as if the other girl minds, wrapping her arms tightly around madison as the blonde cries herself to sleep, the coldness of the room reminding her of her countless nights in hell. the only way she finds herself from not drifting away is in zoe’s warmth. it’s comforting, like a second home to her. if she can even call robichaux’s home. with all the shit that’s happened, and cordelia acting like she’s happy about madison’s return, the younger blonde  _ knows _ she’s not welcome here. she never has, possibly never will.

her tears stain the thin material of zoe’s shirt. but zoe only hushes madison reassuringly, enveloped in her loving arms. she’s concerned, though. madison doesn’t eat, and rarely sleeps. she spends all her time either in the bathtub, scrubbing away at her unearthly colored skin, or crying.

madison sniffles for a while, gripping zoe’s shirt tightly. hell was a cold, depressing place, but somehow, it feels more empty here. it’s deeply disturbing and something that madison just can’t seem to wrap her head around. she stares into the darkness, lost. like she needs a purpose for being awake, or living. madison’s alive in the flesh, but there’s so much death inside of her that she can’t truly live. she knows she’ll never be the same again, dying so many times does that to you. and perhaps she’s lost her touch, maybe her will too, but madison knows deep down that she’s an unwelcomed guest to the world. it’s her destiny to always rot in hell, where she belongs. fucking around with her fate has cost her so many things, but for just  _ one last time _ , she’d like to feel what she’s been missing all these years.

zoe’s long fallen asleep, it’s past the witching hour, and her calm breathing fills the room. it’s soothing to her ears. madison’s long, boney fingers lightly brush over the other girl’s lips. she misses the way they taste, even if she had felt them for just a second before, back when they were hungrilly trying to gain the attention of a dead boy.

kyle... the name feels so unnatural coming out of her mouth. she doesn’t know what’s happened to him, nor does she care. perhaps zoe killed him, and every time madison tries to deny it, she know zoe’s capable of such a thing. she’s blossomed into this strong and mature woman that madison can’t help but deeply admire. and though she misses her childish innocence, the soft glint in her big brown eyes, her girlish smile, madison knows she hasn’t lost it, it’s still in there somewhere.

her own lips tremble, as does her hand. something about this situation screams nostalgia, and madison’s feeling sick again. she wants to kiss her but she  _ can’t _ . the bottomless pit in her stomach only gapes further the more she stares at her peacefully haunting face.

“i’d take away my own life if it meant you’re alive and happy.” she whispers to the sleeping girl. though not being awake, madison hopes the confession spoken so softly lingers in zoe’s ears until morning.

madison lies her head back down onto zoe’s chest, her eyes slowly coming to a close as her tiredness finally catches up to her, long overdue.

 

* * *

 

when she wakes up, madison misses the warmness of the bed where zoe slept. instead it’s just fucking cold, like everything she touches. the blinds are pulled up, letting the new orleans sun enter the room. madison sits up in the empty room, running a hand through her messy blonde hair. she’s tired, and she just can’t seem to rub off the dark circles surrounding her green eyes. there’s no purpose for her to get up, she’s not a teacher like zoe, nor is she a part of cordelia’s council. madison’s not needed for anything, maybe for the younger witches to swoon over, cause she’s a movie star. but she’s expendable. she could be gone tomorrow and the world would still go on, just like it always will. cordelia has some nerve to act like she cares about all her girls.

the door slams shut, and zoe enters the room. she’s dressed in a tight black pantsuit, which reveals her curves quite nicely.

“hey,” she calls out. “did you sleep well?”

madison looks down, playing with the rings on her fingers. “mmh.” she mumbles, shrugging.

madison feels the bed dip, and when she looks up, zoe is staring at her with such girlish charm. with the soft glint in her big doe eyes. like she’s 17 again. her kind hands rest on top of madison’s, squeezing reassuringly. zoe’s very patient with her, surprisingly. madison knows she’s never been good to the zoes in either timeline, but madison’s a rough soul and it seems like she’s the only one who can understand her. and it’s always been that way, even before hell had broken and bruised her, ripped her apart without any hope.

maybe she’s messed up, maybe zoe’s too kind. both of them know they’d be better off alone. but no matter how many times madison fucks up, she knows zoe will always be there for her.

and if mallory decides to reverse time again just cause she’s bored, they’ll know that they would find each other in another lifetime. maybe they’re not witches, maybe they’re college students instead. maybe they’re in a freak show, or a mental asylum, or perhaps staying in a popular hotel. but the more madison looks into zoe’s eyes, the closer the taller girl comes to closing that small gap between them. her kisses are soft, warm, welcoming, everything madison wanted to feel when she came back. what she needed to feel alive again. however, her heart sinks at the fact that other girl has felt this way all along, never telling madison she’s loved her all this time until the bullet enters her head, killing her and making her soul cease to exist.

“i love you.” madison whispers, because she  _ has _ to get it off her chest before another unexpected death happens.

“i love you too.” zoe says back, muffled against the other girl’s lips. “i-i’m sorry i couldn’t say it before..but i love you, madison.”

madison rests her head on zoe’s collarbone, biting her lip to stop the tears. she’s the ocean, and madison is just so  _ desperate _ to drown. but she’s no longer numb, the other girl gives a true feeling of what it feels like to be alive, and madison loves her so much for it. she even feels her heart breaking.

and though zoe doesn’t know what type of shit she’s been through, hell and back, madison  _ knows _ she can’t lose her again.

**Author's Note:**

> oops too dark ?


End file.
